For those of you who have been out of the universe for the past week, Sharknado premiered in all of its glory last night.  I don’t know the exact numbers, but I’m guessing about 3 billion people watched this movie last night.  If you happen to be of the group that didn’t see the movie, Holly Anderson over at Grantland did a hilarious recap, as did Danger Guerrero of Uproxx.

Here’s a thought that came into my mind while thinking about this movie: Why aren’t more networks making movies like Sharknado?  Look, no one who sat down to watch Sharknado was expecting Oscar-worthy performances.  This is ‘Merica we’re talking about and in ‘Merica we don’t need Oscar-worthy performances (or plots and scientific facts for that matter) to be in the movies we watch on Thursday night.

In fact, I can’t tell you one show on television right now that I’d rather watched over Sharknado last night.  Seriously, try to name one.

Breaking Bad?  Nope

Mad Men?  Dear God people.  Not even close.

Justified or Game of Thrones?  Get in line behind the epicness that is Sharknado.

In fact, I can’t think of anything that I’d rather be doing right now than getting more Sharknado into my eyeballs.  I seriously considered skipping work just to pull a 24-hour Sharknado marathon.

I’m sure I’m not the only person who feels this way.

No matter how terrible the movie was or how awful Tara Reid looked in HD, not a single person who sat down to watch that movie didn’t finish it.  We knew what we were getting into when we signed up for this ride and nothing was going to stop us.

So, why don’t the major networks like ABC, NBC, CBS and FOX adapt this type of mentality?  Now I’m not asking for a Sharknado every week (although that would be awesome), but why can’t ABC throw out a ridiculous movie once a month for our viewing pleasure?

You know what might happen if they did that?  I might watch the show before the movie just to make sure I don’t miss a second of their offering.  I might also keep the TV on after the movie just in case there is an extra hidden ending (how awesome would it be if five minutes into How I Met Your Mother a gigantic, mutant Armadillo crashed through the screen and destroyed everything in sight?).

I can guarantee that viewership would be up all over the place if a major network put on Armadazillo or Beavalanche (I’ll sell these titles to any network for a cheap price).  Also, could you imagine the awesomeness that ABC or NBC would be able to create with their gigantic budgets?  We’re talking about mind-blowing special effects, top-notch writing and getting people with serious acting skills (maybe the last two items aren’t overly important because all we care about is chainsaws through freakin’ sharks).

Furthermore, if SyFy is capable of racking in 3 billion viewers, how many could FOX or CBS expect to get?

This needs to happen people.  I want to be sitting down on a weeknight and watching Catterpyclone by the end of the year on ABC.

It’s finally happening folks.  The incredible made-for-TV movie Sharknado comes out tonight.

What better way to embrace this truly historic and awesome event than by a drinking game.  Let’s be honest: we all know that this needs to happen. Anyone who doesn’t think Sharknado is going to be infinitely better while wasted needs to re-think their entire existence.

For those that haven’t seen or heard about Sharknado (and if you happen to be one of those people please get out from under the rock you’ve been living under), here is a link to the trailer for what could possibly be the world’s greatest movie ever.  Ever people.

Anyways, now that we’ve got that out of the way let’s get going with the drinking game.

Every time Tara Reid is shown simply for her boobs, take one drink

Look, no one is going to convince me that Tara Reid is in this movie for any reason other than her boobs.  I expect a number of scenes where she is wearing a skin-tight shirt and doing absolutely nothing.

I also expect you to get very drunk off this lone rule of the drinking game.

Drink every time a shark is killed by something other than a gun

Spears, chainsaws and bare hands all count in this category.  As long as a shark dies by something other than a gun you’ll be taking a drink.

Also, I’m fully expecting a final scene of Ian Ziering and the leader of the sharks in a hand-to-hand fight to the death. Please don’t disappoint me Sharknado.

Whenever a human gets eaten whole, take one shot

I’m not talking about biting the legs off and then finishing the top.  I’m talking about a shark flying through the air and devouring a human being entirely whole.

I’m not expecting this to happen often, which is why it’s good for a single shot, but I pray to God that I’m proven wrong.

If a shark is alive on the ground without any water nearby for more than five seconds, take two shots

I’m not sure how long sharks can live without water, but I can’t wait to see how Sharknado figures out to get sharks on land and living.

When the director was asked about this, his response was this (via Uproxx):

There’s a flood. And a storm. Don’t worry about it.

Has there ever been a better answer to a question since the world was created?  I think not, which is why this phenomenon is worth two shots.

Whenever a shark dies by chainsaw, chug a beer

We know that at least one shark is dying by a chainsaw, so you might as well put a cold beer aside for when that happens.  However, my gut tells me that plenty more sharks will be dying by way of a chainsaw, so I’d get ready to get plenty wasted off this single rule.

If sharks and humans learn to live in peace on land by the end of the movie, drink a 12-pack

How amazing would this ending be?  Seeing Tara Reid raise a little human-shark family with a shark and Ian Ziering pumping fists and fins would be the perfect ending to this movie.

There are your rules for the Sharknado drinking game for tonight, or anytime you decide to watch this movie after you DVR it tonight.

I’d just plan on calling in sick to work right now.

I’m Somebody’s Hero

A few weeks ago, one of my customers spoke these exact words to me: “You’re my freaking hero.”  Freaking wasn’t the exact word my customer used, he used the R-rated version of the word, but little children may be reading and I don’t want to offend.

Now, before we go any further you need to understand that my profession is a janitorial salesman.  I become someone’s hero when I tell them how to remove a urine stain from their carpet.  I become someone’s hero when red wine disappears before their eyes.  Needless to say, the requirements for becoming a hero at my job are rather low.

However, the more I think about that statement the more impressive it becomes to me.  For that brief moment, I was somebody’s hero. For that minuscule amount of time, I was above every other person in that individual’s life because that is what a hero is.

A hero is invincible.  A hero can’t be beaten, regardless of the circumstances. A hero never gets afraid and never backs down.  For those seconds, I was all of those things.  While it was only for a moment, and only true to one person, I was somebody’s hero.

I’ve never uttered those words to someone before.  Not because I don’t have heroes in my life, but rather because I don’t know if I could muster up the courage to let someone know that to me they are invincible.  I don’t know if I would have the courage to tell my heroes that, in my eyes, they can’t be beaten.

To become that transparent to another human being is absolutely frightening.  I imagine the moments leading up to uttering the words, “You’re my hero” would be similar to taking the final steps before skydiving or bungee jumping. Your knees are weak, your palms are sweaty and all you can think about is how terrible of a decision this idea is.

Now I’ve never skydived or bungee jumped, but my assumption is that once your feet leave the surface and you’re free-falling through the air, it is the most incredible feeling in the world.  All doubts and fears you had about this moment completely dissipate into complete joy.

So, maybe I should tell my older brothers that I look up to them.  Or maybe my sister needs to know just how proud I am of her.  Maybe my dad should get the privilege of knowing that every day that I wake up I want to be more like him.

Now that I think about it, I do believe my wife needs to know that she is the most incredible person in my eyes.  That I’m so proud of her every day that I can’t vocalize the words to say it sometimes.  I think my mom needs to know just what it means to me that she gave a little bit of everything to raise me.

My relationship forever changed in the best way possible with that customer when he told me I was his hero.  He may not know it, but I’ll stand a little taller when he walks in the door.  I’ll feel a little stronger and less mortal for those few moments

Hopefully, the same happens for my heroes.

In Bob Dylan’s song titled Percy’s Song, the narrator of the song is woken from his sleep to the news of his friend being in trouble.  In the fourth verse of the song, the narrator says, “I sat down and wrote the best words that I could write.”

I’m not sure that a greater line has ever been written in a song.  Bob Dylan was a lyrical genius, but in those 12 simple words he completely outdid himself.  He describes the greatest goal of all those who aspire to put their thoughts onto paper or a computer; to write the best words that one could write.  He isn’t declaring that one needs to write the best words ever written in the history of the world, but rather, the desire is to write the best words that one could write.

That is what this blog, The Best Words, is all about.  It’s about having an outlet to sit down and write the best words that I could write.  I can’t guarantee that they’ll be better words than you could write, but I can guarantee that each time I write, the words that I write will be the best they can be.

I think that is worth something in a world that is constantly trying to shortcut its way towards success, or love, or greatness.  The reality is that there is no shortcut.  You have to give all you have in every aspect of your life every moment of the day.

So, that is what I am going to do with the blank space and blinking cursor that I constantly stare at.  I’m going to give you everything that I have from every fiber of my being written in words.  They may be short words, long words, eloquent words or basic words, but that isn’t what really matters.

What really matters is that the words written will be the best words I can write.  That’s the only promise that I can give you right now.  As to what I’ll be writing about, I’d like to think that I’ll write about a little bit of everything.  From sports to music to religion to reasons why people in Tennessee shouldn’t be legally allowed to drive, think of The Best Words as a smorgasbord of one man’s thoughts.

Here’s to the sitting down and writing the best words that I could write.